Standing on the Shoulders of Midgets – A Not-So Unserious Essay On A Not-So Serious Canadian P.M.

'Propaganda in favour of action dictated by impulses that are below self-interest offers false, garbled or incomplete evidence, avoids logical argument and seeks to influence its victims by the mere repetition of catchwords, by the furious denunciation of foreign or domestic scapegoats, and by winningly associating the lowest passions with the highest ideals.
– Aldous Huxley

It seems that with the new barrage of Tory attack ads that Canadians have to endure another election. One can either laugh in nauseated ridicule, totally ignore, or zombie-like nod while mid-moan or mid-drooling, at what these ads purport. But with their advent and the forthcoming drop of the writ, the population once again has the opportunity to offer or deny P.M. Harper the coveted majority he has so long written to Santa Claus for, probably in crayon.

I do intend to use Mr. Harper's proper name and, in an example of paraleipsis, will not go out of my way to mention many of the other on-line terms to reference him like:

'Tubby' – which is somewhat harsh for to be chauffered around and constantly eat chef-prepared food for five-years would have adipose consequences on anyone's physique.

'Harpler' – this refers, possibly, to a mixture of the P.M.'s surname with a certain McDonald's children's character, The Hamburgler, a caped and bemasked, somewhat mishchievous figure, dressed duo-chromatically – black and white, which might be the only kind of thinking that such a character is capable of possessing.

'Great Leader' – mostly applied in a sarcastic manner and also is mockingly suggestive of eastern potentates like the oppressive Kim Jong Il or jolly Chairman Mao.

Harples – of uncertain origin but the lolling sound of it alone speaks of idleness and elevated disdain. Perhaps it is a disaffected description of Mr. Harper's tenure thus far. This word is most accurate if groaningly inflected.

Prince Harpalot – A corruption of the word 'Camelot'. A leader of a 'La-La Land'.

Harpes – A variation of the disease 'herpes', which etymologically means 'to creep' and no few Canadians find the Reform Party antics of the current government 'creepy'. One might consider that Canada presently ails from a case of the 'harpes'.

Harmer – A self-evident term.

Herr Harper – The Teutonic title having slight implications to the far-right tendencies that Europe tragically suffered through in the 20th century.

But nevermind, let us look at the events and achievements of the Conservative governement for the past five years:

The Cadman Affair
Zaccardelli's possible interference in the 2006 election
In-Out funding scandals (something's rotten in the state of Denmark)
The Colvin Affair
Prorogations (plural!)
The building of a fake lake (in a nation full of lakes)
Security Council defeat (now there is an international black-eye)
Largest deficit in Canadian history
Camp Mirage eviction
Census scandal

One could go on with all sorts of other such marvellous endorsements, filibusters and other areas of willful gubernatorial obfuscation but one issue, perhaps more forgotten and entirely indicative of the Conservative-Reform-Harper approach to governance and life, was the death of Canadian U.N. soldier, Major Paeta Hess-Vonn Kruedener, in July 2006. The fact that this Canadian's unfortunate and quite possibly avoidable and unneccessary death went absolutely unprotested by the Harper government was, and still is, not only insensitive but bordering on the psychopathic. In regards to it, one feels bad to be a Canadian.

It was little wonder then last week to hear Mr. Harper through the national media voice his approval of the death penalty. Is this not a consistency of attitude? The arguments against the death penalty are numerous and well-documented (cost, morality, lack of a criminal deterrent, and ultimately cui bono?) but possibly the observation of Remy de Gourmont suffices: 'It is fairly obvious that those who are in favour of the death penalty have more affinities with murderers than those who oppose it.'

Those who believe in the death penalty are those who believe in shortening another's sentence.
They themselves could too shorten their own sentence ('I believe in the death penalty') and merely say: 'I believe in death.' They are 'the friends of death' to use a phrase of the percipient mage, Rimbaud. They are the 'backwards'.

Should the Conservatives win the future election will they try to the throw the nation retrograde into, say, more biblical times? Mr. Harper also mentioned that he has no intention of bringing such a notion back into Canadian law but who knows? Why bother to mention the idea at all? Here then are a few not-so serious, but particularly Canadian methods that they could possibly use for the returned practice of public executions, or at least, socially conservative-bent torture should they ever be instated:

Stonings – but instead of using actual stones, those posted to carrying out the fatal sentence could use day-old doughnuts and muffins from their favourite coffee shop. Dutchies being the most effective.

Waterboarding – but instead of water, the bound and supine victim is repeatedly doused in gallons of poutine.

The immersion of criminals into cooling vats of maple syrup. Very medieval and sweetly totalitarian.

Chinese water torture – instead of drips of water, one incessantly for days and weeks is subject to dropping of Nanaimo bars on their forehead. This method though runs the risk of failing as the subject would inevitably try to catch the nanaimo bars with his or her open gob.

Lethal asphyxiation by stale hockey equipment fumes.

Forced confinement where one is choiceless but to listen to Don Cherry blather on about topics other than hockey.

Forced confinement where one is choiceless but to listen to Don Cherry blather on about all topics related to hockey.

Perhaps the hangmen of the future will try out the efficacity of each method on themselves first.


Some parting thoughts for reflection:

Political hyperpartisanship is not different than extremism.

To curse dictators is to worship life.

All literature (whether it be written by Antonio Carluccio or Niccolo Machiavelli) is imperfect, but to refer to only one book as a guide to life is weak-brained and frankly indulgent.

Democracy need not look like a looped woodchuck on the side of the road.

Canada was once a beacon. It can be again. The restoration is entirely in the hands of incisive Canadians. Mantle or dismantle what you will.

The reliance on political attack ads demeans the entire population it attempts to divide and stimulate. It is the standing on the shoulders of midgets.